i feel horrible

Just let me feel horrible after pretending that im actually all fine, when im seriously not at all. for just one day. and i can no longer take this emptiness. but i need to. i can and i must. i need to feel my boy, i need a big hug :(

i dont usually post sad stuff online publicly, regardless of what website that i have. mainly because i don’t want to show others my vulnerable side and my weaknesses, especially not to people who don’t genuinely care. which actually conflicts with me wanting people to know how i actually feel at this point of time.

its actually not that im very clingy nor that i cant live without my boyf. all these years he was with me all the time, not one day of our 5 yrs relationship have we not spoken for one day. you cant blame me for feeling shitty at all. you have to feel me really.

Its was after lunch that this feelings striked me, and left me feeling really really awful. usually i will get whatsapp textes and facebook chats telling me im back from lunch & all, but today its all quiet. no good morning honey textes. no constant texting. no facebook chat pop ups. no sound from my love at all.

its sucha weird feeling im having now, that im really not able to put it into words, im trying, really trying real hard to be normal, i keep telling myself i will be, i have to be. i will be strong just for him, i will be stronger just for us. but deep down im dying inside, longing for the normality of things, for things to really go back to where they should be. but how much i know it will never happen, at least in this 2 years. 

i never thot i would have felt so strongly about this before. that i cried the night before heading to bed, the moment i woke up beside bby ytd, all the way home in the cab, lying on my own bed, sleeping and waking up crying again. its that bad for me. my eyes nvr felt so tired, dry and swollen besides that faithful aug day. i can no longer control, the tears just stream down like nobody's business. it sucks really.

and this is one of the rare times where i’ll admit it - i feel very empty and alone. despite being surrounded by family and friends, despite me laughing and acting all normal, ultimately I still feel lonely and v much empty. 

life isnt and never will be the same without you by my side. but then again baby, for you im willing to endure this shit. i will be fine. for this is only the starting, yes i know. i hope things will eventually get better. (i hope) time please fly. for now, i will continue fighting with that stupid boyfriend stealer for your time and attention. this sucks ok, you were suppose to belong only to me, and mine all along. pfftz.

i miss you so much babyboy. how i look forward to every night's call. because just by hearing your voice thou i cant get to see you makes me feel so much better. really. i love you sweetheart. hang in there. just had a good 30 min talk with bby. hehee! ♥ ok gona head to bed early so it'll be a brand new day again!

Goodnight.